Well. It’s been a while. I’ve gone through so much change personally in the last few months, the last year, that I hardly know where to begin.
To be honest, I’ve had little desire to post here on the blog. Much of what I’ve been going through has been very emotional and personal, and I’ve had little desire to share the specifics. You could say I’ve fallen out of love with sharing things of a deeper personal nature online, which I think is bringing on good change in my life but also has left me feeling a bit lost.
However, as we prepare to enter a new year, a new decade, my heart was burdened to share these words from my own journal. A new year does not always mean new beginnings and renewed hope and motivation for everyone. It often produces depression and pain and fear, so I just wanted to share these thoughts as someone who is feeling all of these things but is also learning and growing in a way she never has before.
I hope your new year is full of blessings, whether brought through joy or trials and growth.
Thoughts from my personal journal:
“To be honest… I’m so scared of the new year. I know much of it will be a repeat of the same hardships of this last year. I have so many high expectations for 2020… and I’m terrified thinking that the likelihood is that they’ll all come crashing down.
But as I sit here crying, recovering from an afternoon panic attack that I’m certain was triggered by the oncoming stress of a new year, a truth circles round and round in my mind. No matter what happens, no matter the trials, disappointments, frustrations, fears, no matter how different my path leads compared to how I imagine I want it to go now, He is ALWAYS doing what is best for me.
There are a couple of specific things I want in this new year. They completely rely on God. Nothing I do can magically make these things happen, so why am I placing that responsibility on my heart? I lay them at His feet. They are safe there. He may not answer in the way I think I want, His answer may be yet another, “Wait,” but He will not forget about them or shove them aside.
I am safe there.
No matter the fear and uncertainty I face. No matter the financial strain and frustrations. No matter the sickness and loneliness I know I’m sure to endure. I am safe in His arms. I am worthy in His eyes. I do not need to prove myself to anyone. Because the season of life I am in now and in the future is EXACTLY where He wants me to be. And that is enough.”
“In retrospect, I can see that ‘wait’ is the most precious answer God can give us. It makes us cling to Him rather than cling to any outcome.” — V. R. Risner